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With all this great holiday cooking coming up, I’d like to give you a glimpse of what it’s like to have me as a moderately unhelpful sous chef.
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Anytime Lindsay cooks with sausage or a phallic shaped meat product my inner 14-year old boy comes out.  “Tube Steak”, “Protein Pole”, and “Haha, that looks like a penis” are all things that I have uttered while watching Lindsay handle sausages.  When she cooks with Chorizo I do a very bad Mexican accent and say things like, “Heeeey Senorita, I like da way yoo work chor spicy love wand.  Aye, aye, aye!”  This normally induces an eye-roll from Lindsay and I’m sure her inner voice is screaming,

“How did you get talked into this relationship?!”

When we cook with southern style breakfast sausage, I’m likely to say, “Hey, that looks like a little porn star that’s been caught in a house fire.”  I crack up laughing, and occasionally so does Lindsay.  However, her inner 70 year old comes out too and remembers that positive reinforcement of my sophomoric humor will only fan the flames of my filth.

On nights when we cook chicken breasts, I get as excited as when I actually see real human breasts (Male or female. They both have their entertaining qualities. How funny are Moobs, seriously?).  “Chicken Titties” is my favorite term.  It just sounds tasty and disgusting all in the same breath.  A “Mammary Meal” is another one I’m found of.  “Lindsay, I love the way you pound your breasts.  Seriously, the way you massage those pink, soft, supple boobies is really giving me a food boner.”  I also really like the term “food boner.”  It really does aptly describe the joy and anticipation that comes with a great meal.  “Tonight we’re having lobster and man-oh-man do I have a raging food boner!”  See, how does that NOT work?

Here are some dishes that I look forward to really sinking my perverted teeth into:  Spotted Dick, Sticky Buns, Cream of ANYTHING Soup, Bangers & Mash, Cheese Balls, Rump Roast, Spicy Tuna, and anything with crabs.  These are just the tip of perverted iceberg.  I have a knack for turning most things into something sexual and perverted.  Don’t worry I’m not a threat to children (unless you don’t want them hearing horribly dirty things).  I just like spicing up the conversation and making graphic, dirty jokes about the food I’m about to enjoy.  I hope you all share the same feelings.  If not, I’m going to really come across as a weirdo, but you know what…I’ve accepted it.  If shows like “Iron Chef” and “Anthony Bourdain’s “No Reservations” have been called “food porn”, then my attempt at humor can at least be described as “food golf course conversations”.  Cause you know I’d never tell my grandmother, “Hey Nana, I love watching you squeeze that tube steak!”  I wouldn’t say it…even if I meant it.

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Happy Thanksgiving week, everyone!
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Jay
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