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I went for a run through Cleveland Park on Monday morning. I saw a lot of “kept” women jogging and I as I watched/resented them, I became aware of how easy it must be to be a Stay At Home Dad. I had nothing but horrible thoughts towards these women as they jogged by me in their stylish, expensive tracksuits and I pictured myself in their lifestyles.

So, yeah…I could totally be a stay at home dad. It’s not that hard if you’re a wealthy person. At least, it didn’t look that hard in the park today. Especially if you have a child care provider to assist you constantly, the job gets even easier. If I was a wealthy husband, married to a Sugar Mama, and was “forced” to stay home with our children and Swedish Nanny, I think I would totally excel in the position.

I’d wake up with my loving, financially stable wife everyday and help her get ready for her day at work/providing me with a kick-ass, responsible-lite lifestyle. As soon as I got the wife out the door, I’d remind the Swedish Nanny to dress the kids, pack their lunches and to tell them that I love them. Then I’d be right back in the bed for a morning nap, because if I know me like I think I know me…I’ll probably have had too much to drink the previous evening and will have a solid morning buzz. Once I awake around 11:30, I’ll fix a pot of coffee and watch Sports Center.

Then after a full hour of Sports Center I’ll retire to the bathroom for about 20 – 30 mins, and it is none of your damn business what I’m doing in there. Just know I LOVE IT!

Then, I’ll feed the dogs if the Swedish Nanny (let’s call her “Ursula” from now on) has not done so already. I’ll then get into my best “work out” outfit and go for a jog in the park with my yellow lab, Jake. I’ll do 5 miles a day because my wife works hard and deserves her husband to be just chubby enough so other women don’t hit on me, but at the same time not fat enough to embarrass her. It’s a tightrope, but jogging/”fast walking” (that what my Mom’s Club girls call our exercise program) will keep this midsection as soft as rotted fruit. I’m sure the white wine doesn’t help my figure but if I give up day drinking, I’d die of boredom. Let’s don’t kid ourselves…I’m willing to bet that this Stay at Home Dad will also have a pain pill “issue”/recreational habit, which makes me “nap”…”a lot”.

If I’m awake and not completely drunk, I’d like to pick my kids up from school and drop them off at their after-school daycare. Yep, in my dream world there will be daycare for high schoolers. Then I’ll go home and manage Ursula’s To Do List, which will definitely involve a non-sexual massage! She’s Swedish; it’s in their blood. Plus, I “run” 5 miles a day – my upper quads will hurt and need her sweet, sweet, healing touch. After my massage I will head to the kitchen and turn on a previously TiVo’d episode of Rachel Ray (one that Ursula has already watched, purchased groceries for and written me a detailed, step-by-step guide on how to cook everything) and complete the last three steps necessary to “prepare” a meal for my family. Ursula will go retrieve my offspring from their teenage daycare programs, or maybe I’ll force them to play sports. I’d love to have a son that was a professional athlete (not a girl one…gross!). Imagine the luxury boxes and all of the free booze! Then, once the Little Woman gets home from work, we belly up to the table and enjoy one of Rachel’s “30 Minute Meals,” have a couple more glasses of white wine and I’ll pass out in the Lay-Z-Boy. If I’m lucky my wife will wake me up and ask me to help her satisfy her sexual addiction. She’s a good mother, but she…is…a…freak in the bedroom. Yeah, I think I could really be a good stay at home dad.

However, I will have to learn to deal with the heartache that comes from being a stay at home dad. I will come to know the heartache that comes from staying home all day, keeping the house in running order/yelling at Ursula and keeping myself pretty for my wife only to have her ignore me and my sexual advances after we eat my amazing homemade General Tso’s Chicken. Ah, the things us stay at home dads have to endure. Like, I want to play golf all day, not be around the kids and manage our crumbling household. I do it out of love!

I hope this made up blog finds you well. The only thing that is accurate is the fact that I make amazing General Tso’s Chicken. Just ask Lindsay, once she stops complaining about being tired after a 14 hour day at her “job.” The nerve! I’ll have my first recipe up on the blog soon enough!

Jay

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