I would like to inform you that this is the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever told you in my whole life (that’s saying a lot), but I am sharing it with you as a public service announcement.
I am an avid Office watcher, so I was aware before I began cooking with beets that they can stain your teeth, hands, and anything else that comes into contact with said beets.
I fault The Office with not informing me more fully of just how extensive the staining of beet-touched items could be.
One day, I woke up feeling great. I had slept well, had a kick-ass yoga practice the night before, and Callie and I had a great walk that morning.
Then I ate breakfast. I think it involved fiber.
Then I did what people do in the mornings after they consume fiber. Or coffee.
THERE WAS BLOOD IN THE TOILET.
Now, I’m a girl. This isn’t the most unusual thing that could happen to me, but the blood was originating from, er, the wrong end. It was a lot of blood, too.
Ew. I know, I’m sorry. It’s for your own good.
Questions started swirling through my mind…I’m young and healthy, why is this happening? Why don’t I feel bad? Will my parents get penalized if I die before my lease is up? What will happen to Callie? How many meetings do I have today, and can I take a day off to slowly bleed out? Why doesn’t it hurt? WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MY BODY?!!?
Luckily, I have a friend in med school who was already awake and assured me that I probably wasn’t dying, but it could be hemorrhoids or cancer. GREAT. Thanks!
I called my doctor, drove to work to get my computer, then went back to my house to anxiously await my appointment and death, being sure to take note of any strange symptoms. Dizziness? check. Anxiety? check. Feeling faint? CHECK.
It didn’t occur to me at the time that those symptoms could also be associated with irrational fears based on too much googling. I was bleedin’ from the butt, for crying out loud!
I went to the doctor, where a super-fun rectal exam and an interview by A MALE MED STUDENT (no joke) revealed no blood in my colon. My doctor said she definitely detected a reddish twinge, gave me some supositories (goody!!) to use for a few days, and told me to come back if it kept happening. I think she secretly thought that I was mistaken about the origin of the blood and thought I was unaware of the time of month. Bless my heart, so busy I don’t even know when Aunt Flo visits.
I angstily (definitely a word) went to my mother’s house, and recounted the entire day to her, including the fact that the doctor’s tests were faulty because clearly there was blood in the area. I was irate, so my mother calmly asked me many questions that the doctor had already asked, but added in one of her own:
Did you eat any beets?
Yeah, yeah I did. A done ate a beet last night. It was red, kind of the color of blood.
I’m telling you this for your own good. Do you like beets? They’re super trendy and later today I’m going to show you how to roast them with goat cheese.
THEY WILL MAKE YOUR POOP LOOK LIKE YOU ARE BLEEDING FROM THE INSIDES.
I know what you’re thinking – it probably wasn’t that bad, I was just skiddish, I’m a hypochondriac. Nope. None of the above. Beets are delicious, and I very much hope that you start cooking with them all the time. But I wanted you to be fully aware of the repercussions, since the NBC producers and Dwight Shrute’s writers couldn’t be bothered to share the whole truth with the rest of the world.
So, in conclusion, I took a sick day from work because I ate a beet and thought I was going to die even though I felt fine. The end.