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Show Business/Showing Your Business

Note – in case you missed it, this is the second in a three-part saga of the time Jay performed at a nudist colony.  Naked.  

Read part 1 here.  

The bartender was a 50-year-old woman and she had a great set of tits. I mean for an old woman they were incredible. Natural and tan line free. Justin got a cup of coffee and I got a vodka tonic – I was getting loose. By this time more people had started to filter into the lodge. They were all chitchatting and drinking and having a wonderful clothes-free evening. Another bartender walked up behind the bar. He was an Asian man and he did nothing to dispel the rumor that Asian men have small units. I mean, you had to stare to find it. It looked more like a cancerous growth than a male sexual reproductive organ, and that made me feel so much better about myself. If that dude can let the stallion out of the stable, then I don’t have a thing to worry about. Justin and I politely excused ourselves and headed to the indoor pool and got in the hot tub. We were the only ones in there and were cracking jokes on everyone. Then, two couples showed up. We told them we were the entertainment for the evening and we started to talk. Unfortunately, one of the men chose to sit on the side of the hot tub making his dong and testicles directly at eye level. I’ve never been more tempted ask someone, “So, how’s it hangin’?” The other couple split off and went into the adjacent hot tub and I’m 99% confident that a hand job was being awarded to that man in that highly chlorinated water. The awkwardness was growing by the second…

Dinnertime rolled around and we headed back down to the lodge. The room was PACKED! We were mingling and making the rounds when a young, plump woman approached us. She informed us that this nudist resort was the best because they do not ban genital piercings (I know, it’s sad to think that in this day and age people still discriminate against people who shove a piece of 12-gauge steal through their clitoris!). Then, she promptly propped her leg up on the bar stool and showed Justin and I her clit ring. She never hesitated. Her plump, bulbous vagina had a little bull ring stuck right in the middle of it. She said, “You can touch it if you like.” And I wasn’t ready. I was raised to have good manners, but I was never taught the polite way to turn down a clit ring tug, so I gave it a little jingle. It was a fine piece of jewelry and sturdy. I guess we’re friends for life, right?

Justin and I sat down at a table and struck up another conversation with a gentlemen and his wife. After a few minutes of talking with this guy we realized he’s cool and start asking him questions about the nudist way of life. Justin blurts out, “What do you do if you get a boner? Is it a party foul, or is it not a big deal?” I was eager to know the answer to this because that fear had been lodged in my mind since we left D.C. All I kept thinking about was going on stage and having a raging erection that could cut glass. “Is this thing on? Is this thing on? Hello!” The man informed us that it does happen, but it’s not to be made fun of or to point it out. Meanwhile, that’s all Justin and I have been doing. Every time I see a droopy ball sack, crooked penis, or the lady with the mastectomy, I point it out to Justin right away. This guy went on and on about showing respect and not staring at people’s bodies. Then, he stood up and we were delighted to find that he sported a metal loop piercing through the tip of his penis, a metal stud through the shaft AND a cock ring. I kid you not. How do you instruct people to not stare at your magic wand when you’ve taken the time to adorn it with shiny metal objects? His love stick was lit up like a Christmas tree and I’m supposed to not stare…F that.

We made it to showtime. Justin is a much funnier comedian than me and he’s got more material, so I opened the show. Right before I walked on stage I go and work up a healthy chub. Everyone thinks you have to have balls to perform stand-up, but I wanted those people to think it took a little more. I did well. I got laughs and did some crowd work. The thing I remember most is getting a real hard laugh and seeing breasts, guts, thigh fat and ball sacks flopping about as they chuckled. It was gratifying in a strange way. I was literally moving people (I also learned that these people HATE the phrase “nudist colony” and prefer the more sophisticated term “nudist resort”. I guess “colony” makes them feel that they are outcasts from society and that nudism is a cult, rather than a weird clothing optional preference.). Justin took the stage with his room key bracelet wrapped around his balls and his iPod shoved in his ass as he danced his way on stage. Those naked people LOVED it. You could tell that a lot of those people have iPods that smell like their ass. Justin crushed and destroyed the room. He was brilliant. Everyone enjoyed the show and we were hailed for our comedic talents.

This is where the story gets good….

Read part 3 here – be warned.