5. I was at Soho Coffee House performing at an open mic night, and per usual I was bombing (it’s very hard to get laughs when most people are staring at their laptops and praying for you to shut your filthy, unfunny mouth). I was making fun of Jesus (a staple in my act) or some other aspect of religion which I find stupid and out of date when out of nowhere I started getting yelled at (leave it to a religious nut to get offended by someone making fun of their Savior. WWJD?). He was attacking me verbally and telling me point blank, “You’re not funny. Nothing you’ve said has been funny.” Despite it being true, it was still hurtful. So we went back and forth, back and forth until I absolutely lost my cool and started to yell at him. “Who do you think you are, go to hell you stupid sack of shit…” This went on and on. Then I decided to go big and lay the hammer down by saying, “Dude, you should have been an abortion. What a waste you are.” That was when he charged the stage and challenged me to fight. I was scared but excited because there were 20 other comics and I’m fairly confident they’d have stepped in. By this time most people had looked up from their laptops and were fully engaged in the accidental drama scene that erupted during a shitty comedy show. Feeling defeated I walked outside to smoke a cigarette and was hailed as a hero by the employees of the coffee shop. The staff had been trying to find a way to kick that guy out of their establishment, but didn’t have anything that stuck. This stuck and after that I always had the respect of the employees that worked in there and got free coffee quite frequently, not to mention all of the cigarettes I could bum.