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I know I’m a little late to the dance on this, but I just got an iPhone and I am pleased as punch for allowing myself to buy such an expensive, God-like piece of machinery (Yes, I’d put $50 that Jesus has an iPhone. He looks like he’s a Mac guy, doesn’t he?). I have never been on the breaking edge of any trend. It’s just something I don’t put importance on, mainly due to lacking finances. And, I’m a luddite. I don’t fear technology; I just find technology can sometimes interfere with human interaction. But now I know better. Now I have no problem ignoring my fellow human travelers, because OMG…I have an iPhone and that makes me a VIP!

I remember softly and quietly hating people that had iPhones. They were the people I wanted to be. They had fancy, expensive phones that made them “cool” or “successful” or “employed.” I hated the fact that I could not find a restaurant or bar with my phone, but the douche next to me in tight jeans and a Ramones t-shirt can? That’s not right. I grew up in a white, middle class home in South Carolina. I don’t want to split hairs here, but technically an iPhone is my birthright. Like Robin Hood returning home after the crusades, I have claimed what is rightfully mine. I love you iPhone. “You know it’s true, everything I do, I do it for you.” Remember that crappy song from Bryan Adams from the Robin Hood movie with Kevin Costner? I do. I just looked it up on my iPhone!

And yes, I am already one of “those” people that say, “My iPhone,” instead of saying the lesser, more poor phrase of, “My cell phone.” They sell cell phones in boxes with prepaid minutes on them at Wal-Mart. I do not have a cell phone. I have an iPhone. It cost $200. Yeah, I just price dropped to let you know I paid too much for it. I’m fine with it. No wonder nerds love these darn things, because you feel like such a MAN carrying around of these in your pocket. It’s like having an extra d*ck. I swear to god, I bet this thing has a Lumberjack App.

It’s only my second day with my iPhone, but I can already feel the warmth that its embrace is bringing to my life. I’ve started waving to other iPhone owners. Just a slight two-finger salute to let them know I think they’re a special, intelligent person that is worthy of my company. However, this does not happen frequently due to the dramatic drop in eye contact I’ve been making with the general public, but when it does…oh, it’s a magical bond.

Having an iPhone reminds me of the time I traveled to Africa. I was in Rwanda and it was a life-changing event. It really shook me to my core and I questioned things about life that I had never thought of. “How do people live like this?” or “How do they find joy?” And when I look into the faces of the poor, malnourished, severely obese, iPhone-less white trash of the upstate of South Carolina, I just can’t help but wonder, “how DO they find joy without an iPhone?” Nice try redneck, but your Blackberry isn’t even remotely close to how cool my iPhone is. And you sorry son of a bitch with the Bluetooth in your ear…I know that’s not connected to an iPhone. iPhone people wouldn’t be caught dead wearing a Bluetooth. Not even while driving.

Ok, in closing I’d just like to thank Steve Jobs or whomever it was that created my Golden Calf electronic device. You are a great man. Much like weight loss, drugs, and a girlfriend this damn iPhone has really given me the confidence to be a winner. I’m serious. I think I can do anything. I hope there is an Anything App; it’d make it easier. But, just know people who are not iPhone owners, you’re less than me. You are the poor kids at the boarding school. The farm hand in the big city. I bet some Droid users haven’t even heard of the band Radiohead! Oh, the nerve of some people. Ok, I hope all my iPhone friends have an awesome, easy living; user-friendly iPhone type of day.